The Caterpillar Girl

On May 23, 2015May 23, 2015 By Just StephIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

THE CATERPILLAR GIRL

She was going nowhere, this caterpillar girl. Every day the same. Inching along her barren branch. Trying to make sense of a pointless world.

Every day she would wake up and do it all again. And every night it seemed that she was no closer to her goal (whatever that might be ). Every night she would curl herself around the stem of a leaf and fall asleep gazing at the stars and dreaming of a future where she had a purpose, where her life had meaning.

And then there came a day when the caterpillar girl knew that it was over. She couldn’t stand being strongany longer. That night she curled herself around the stem of a leaf, and this time she allowed herself to let go.

Inch by inch she used her outer skin to weave herself a shell; an armor against a purposeless pointless life. And once she was enclosed in her safe space she allowed herself to fall apart. She held onto nothing, allowing herself to finally let go, dissolving into the quantum foam of pure possibilities.

And it was there, in the quiet and the dark of her chrysalis that something began to take shape. It was here that the caterpillar girl’s hopes and dreams finally loosened from their mundane routine, began to take on a life of their own, and the foam of possibilities coalesced into exquisite form.

Finally, gasping for breath and still damp with the dew of creation, she climbed out of her self imposed prison and lay quite still, wings spread to dry, basking in the warmth of the sun and ready at last to make her dreams come true.

The Empty Shell

On September 27, 2012September 27, 2012 By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, My OdysseyLeave a comment

“You can’t ask a butterfly to scrunch herself back into her chrysalis or to go back to being a caterpillar just because you’d gotten used to her like that. What’s worse is when you try to get her to go back because you fear the freedom given to her by her wings.” ~SSHenry

There are some experiences; some moments in time; that change your life forever. Perhaps for you it was a major life event such as the birth of a child, the death of a loved one or a close call that shook you right down to the foundations of your soul. Or maybe it wasn’t a large event at all. Maybe it was something much more subtle such as a kind word spoken when it was most needed; the touch of a lover’s hand or a breeze that not only ruffled your hair but stirred up something deep down inside you that simply could not be contained.

I’ve had many life-changing moments. All of us have. Sometimes it seems as if these moments come so thick and fast that they threaten to overwhelm you. At other times you feel as if your entire life is on “pause” and all of the moments having stepped out for a drink or something. At some points in your life it is as if the moments of realization and wonder and change are so few and far between that you’ve pretty much forgotten what they are like before the next one begins to play itself out and have to remind yourself what exactly it is that you are dealing with each time you encounter it.

My most recent (and not surprisingly most profound) life-changing moment to date came the moment that I walked into my house after a two month absence and realized that there was no way that I could go back to being the person I had been when I walked out that door eight weeks earlier.

The details as to why I ended up gone for two months (illness in the family) or what happened while I was gone are not important. Yes, I had some interesting experiences while I was off on my own for two months dealing with unexpected issues and meeting people I might not otherwise have encountered. But what really matters is that for two solid months I was detached from the life that I had been living up until that moment.

For two months I was separated from all of the small niggling everyday details that we label “reality” and which demand our attention and catch us up in layers upon layers of drama and expectation; layers that we gladly pull around us like a cloak and call “life.”

For two months I was free of those layers. Getting rid of them was not pleasant. They got stripped away from me rudely leaving me rather raw and feeling as if I had been flayed alive and then washed down in salt water and I felt as if was being completely inundated with issues and problems and responsibilities that I really didn’t want to deal with at that moment in time.

But the point is that for two months I was not just a wife. Nor was I just a mother or a daughter taking care of her own mother. For two solid months – I was me.

Just me.

I was not free of obligations or responsibilities (caring for a sick family member brings with it its own responsibilities and expectations). But for two months I was free of the obligations and responsibilities and expectations in which I had wrapped myself up for the last 22 years; those responsibilities and expectations that come from being a wife and mother and homemaker extraordinaire.

For two solid months was completely and totally myself.

It dawned on me as I was driving home, to wonder just how I would ever be able to go back to living my old life. But when I pulled into the driveway and saw my house for the first time in eight weeks; when I walked through the door and took one look around me, I knew that it was patently impossible.

I can’t go back to the way things were; ever. The person who lived that life is gone.

I could feel the shell of her; that old me; waiting for me around every corner. “Come on” she whispered, holding out the old life as if it were a soft but comfortable pair of sweat pants. “Don’t you want to slip back into this? This is where you are comfortable. This is where you belong. Life doesn’t get any better than this.”

“Oh yes it does sweetheart” I whispered back “you have NO idea!”

You see, the old life has a lot going for it. There are many things that I would like to keep and incorporate into my new reality, but not if it means having to go back to being the person that I was. The person I have become cannot possibly fit into that old skin. Not without giving up who and what I have become.

It would be like asking a butterfly to scrunch back into her chrysalis. Or better yet, to turn back time and become a caterpillar again. It’s not going to happen. I could pretend, but I’m tired of pretending.

I am simply going to be myself.

My whole self.

I will start again. Here. Now. As myself. If that is not enough, or more likely if that is too much, then so be it. I have wings now baby. There’s no reason for me to go back to crawling when I can fly.

The Butterfly’s Shadow

On April 19, 2012April 20, 2012 By Just StephIn Metaphysical Mussings4 Comments

You probably know the story of the chrysalis effect – how the lowly caterpillar transforms itself into the soup of possibilities out of which emerges the butterfly with its capacity to fly. But every butterfly cats a shadow, for being a butterfly comes with a price.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of butterflies? Is it of delicate airy wisps with fragile, colorful wings that soar through sunshine and shadow and feed directly on the nectar of flowers?

Well, I can’t blame you if that is your take on them. They are lovely creatures, and watching them flutter from flower to flower in a garden or lend their grace to a meadow can be peaceful to the point of transcendence; but what of the darker side of the butterfly’s life?

Oh come now, you didn’t think it was all rainbows and moonbeams did you? You didn’t think that once a caterpillar becomes a butterfly that its worries are over did you? That all the bad things in its world would automatically dissipate into the mist of ambrosia and enlightenment? If so, you may want to think again.

Yes, a butterfly has wings. Unlike its caterpillar brethren it is not earthbound. It can choose to soar above all of those things which – when it was in its caterpillar form – were insurmountable obstacles. But this ability to transcend those things that others find nearly impossible comes inexorably linked with the ability to see more of both the good and the bad, and not only to see them, but to experience them fully.

You see, with the change in its body structure comes a change in metabolism and nutritional needs, including the need for more nutrients such as salts and amino acids; nutrients that can only be found in limited amounts in flower nectars, which is why it is not uncommon to see butterflies ingesting the liquids put out by wet soil, dung and even carrion as well as blood and in some cases even the tears of some birds and mammals in order to supply themselves with the nutrients needed to continue their lives.

Let me be clear, this does not make the butterfly a killer. It can no more kill another creature than a feather duster could harm a washcloth, but in the course of its existence as a creature of the skies with a wider view of reality, it sees more than its caterpillar brethren.

Not only does it see more – it understands that in order to be what it is; in order to continue to bring love and light and understanding to all it interacts with it cannot simply dine on nectar and drift on obligatory breezes. It also has to be able to stomach the harsher realities of life. It has to be able to ingest the pain and the suffering of others in order to transform them into love and light. It has to be able to get its feelers dirty (metaphorically speaking) in order to enact any real change in the world around it.

More importantly, it has transformed itself from a self-absorbed caterpillar whose only goal is to eat enough leaves to enact its own personal change, into a butterfly; a creature that understands that it is but a part of the larger picture; one strand in the web of life that enables the existence of everything that is.

No, not everything about going through the transformational process from caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly is pleasant. The caterpillar has a far simpler and less complicated life. The creature in its chrysalis state may know pain, but it does not yet have to deal with the pain of others. But once the transformation is complete, the hurt can sometimes seem unbearable. But with the price of admission into the butterfly kingdom comes the joy of knowing that when the negative becomes too much to bear, you can choose to open your wings and fly.