How to Heal a Broken Heart

On March 2, 2014 By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, My OdysseyLeave a comment

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~_{Alexander Graham Bell}

My heart was broken long ago. The details don’t matter. What matters is that instead of admitting that my heart was broken; instead of admitting that I was in pain and dealing with the trauma right then and there, I made a series of decisions that threw my world into chaos and that impacted my life for a very long time.

Mind you, the decisions that I made (one in particular) in response to the heartbreak were a way of protecting my heart from further injury; of insulating it against the pain that I had incurred. But what I didn’t realize is that by denying the pain; by choosing to delude myself into thinking that I was all right, I was ignoring an injury which, when left untreated, never healed. In fact, it began to fester, poisoning everything else I did.

And so to escape the pain of infection I wrapped myself in layers upon layers of mundane is-ness; sinking into a depression so complete that I was not even aware that I was. I only knew that there was something wrong; something that continued to eat at me and that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

As crazy as it may seem, six months ago, just as I was ready to give up altogether, it was the very one who inflicted the original injury that pulled me out of my despondency; enabling me to see exactly what I had allowed my life to become due to the choices that I had made and gave me the courage to acknowledge what I had done, accept where I am, and to face the future without fear of what it might bring.

Knowing what might have been – what I have lost – what I will never have because of the choices that I have made – makes my heart ache as it has never ached before. It is like peeling off the scab to clean out an infected wound; a throbbing ache that reaches right down to my soul.

Accepting that I will never have what might have been; accepting where I am and who I have become because of the path I chose to follow stings like alcohol poured into a cut; intensifying the pain to the point that it doesn’t feel as if I can take it for even one more second. But it also kills the bacteria of despair and despondence and is the first step to healing.

Acceptance leads to an understanding of why I made those choices. And understanding is like a soothing balm; a balm and a soft cotton bandage that covers the cleaned wound, protecting it from further damage.

But knowing and accepting and understanding is not enough. I must also have wisdom; wisdom and courage to prevent any more trauma to my heart; not by burying it where it cannot be touched, but by leaving it exposed and choosing instead to make those decisions that will strengthen it.

I must have the wisdom to learn from my experiences and the courage to listen to my heart and, from now on, to make each decision based on what feels right to my heart – to my soul –not based on my fears; not as a reaction to pain that threatens to tear me apart, or in response to the pressures and influences of what those around me expect from me. And once I have made the decision, the courage to move forward without fear, knowing that if I am acting from my heart – and for my heart – that I will be making the decision that is best for me and that will help me to become who and what I was meant to be.

~SSHenry~ March 2, 2014.

Take My Breath Away

On September 21, 2012 By Just StephIn My Odyssey2 Comments

‘Sometimes the wonder and beauty of life can be so overpowering that it takes your breath away. In those moments; in those pauses between heartbeats when the world holds its breath in ecstasy; the joy of being alive wells up from that quite place in the core of your innermost self and floods your body, mind and soul with wonder and, for an instant that contains an eternity, you have no choice but to believe in magic.” ~ SSHenry

Sometimes the beauty of existence really is too much to take in at once. Sometimes it is so beautiful that it makes your heart hurt. Of course there are other times when you feel as if your heart is being ripped out of your chest and the pain of it is enough to make you want to die.

But even the pain doesn’t discourage most people from sampling all that life has to offer. In fact, most people treat life as if it were an all-you-can-eat buffet. They skim down the line taking samples and tastes of those things that interest them. Sometimes they go back for seconds of something, but more often than not they try a small variety of things and call it a meal, and most tend to focus on those foods that they are comfortable with; foods that they have had before and enjoyed or that are filling or that at least didn’t disagree with them.

Interestingly enough there are seemingly only a limited people who choose to experience all of what life has to offer. Have you ever noticed that? Look around you some time. How many people do you see that truly throw themselves into their lives with sheer unadulterated abandon and enjoyment? How many people do you see that take advantage of everything life has to offer them; who jump at the opportunity to go to new places, meet new people and have new experiences?

Not many. Most people manage to find a comfort zone; an area where they feel safe and protected; where they feel as if everything is as it should be, and there they stay. They may include occasional forrays into areas that trigger awe or wonder, but for the most part they walk a fine line; an admirable and successful balancing act.

And yet there are thousands, maybe millions of people who each devote an entire lifetime to understanding just one little aspect of the wonder and awe of creation. They become enamored by and immerse themselves in one small piece of the puzzle and focus on it to the exclusion of everything else. It’s like going to the buffet and only ever eating macaroni and cheese or spaghetti even though there are dozens of dishes available to choose from.

Don’t get me wrong. It is important that we have those who can understand each of these interlocking pieces of creation. The knowledge and expertise of those who study just one area or who devote their time and efforts to adding to one particular field are to be commended. Their knowledge and expertise is priceless in the grand scheme of things, but I have to wonder how they do it. Their ability to focus on their one particular area to the exclusion of all others never ceases to amaze me.

Try as I might, I simply can’t focus on one aspect; one piece, one part of the picture; I never could. It’s not that I get distracted and can’t, but there is so much out there; so many beautiful and wonderful things vying for my attention; so many things begging to be understood and experienced that it seems a waste to focus on only one aspect to the exclusion of all others.

And so it is that I find myself sampling everything. Yeah, I’m one of those buffet eaters who will go down the line taking a sample of everything just because it’s there, especially if it is a dish that I have never tried before.

I actually had someone tell me once that they didn’t know how I did it. They couldn’t understand how I could have so many home improvement, gardening and organizational projects going all at once while simultaneously running my own business and keeping up with all of my other interests like playing the piano, writing, singing, learning guitar, painting, photography and reading nearly 200 books a year (yes, I do read that many, I’ve counted them). They told me that they couldn’t imagine doing all of that, that it would give them a headache to even imagine doing it.

I don’t remember now exactly what I said to them. I hope it was something nice, or at least polite. What I do remember is being astounded when they said that they felt uncomfortable doing more than one or two extracurricular things at a time. That they read at most a dozen books in a year and most of those were fiction.

To me the idea that there can only be one or two interests outside of your work and family (and those interests usually related somehow to the work that you do) was as baffling as my seemingly mish mash of a life was to them.

Now this in no way means that either of us is “right” in our approaches. I mean, without those dedicated to one particular aspect of creation there wouldn’t be nearly as many things for me to learn; not nearly as many fascinating books to read. As I said before, I admire their ability to focus; the dedication and commitment that they show to their work and the passion they bring to their area of expertise.

It also doesn’t mean that those who are only comfortable with one or two extra activities or those who aren’t big fans of reading don’t have a lot to contribute to our world. In fact, chances are that they’ve got more to contribute than I ever will. The house they built, the car they put together with their own two hands, the awesome food they cook that makes me drool when I smell it; I can’t hope to compete with that.

But man oh man; what I can do is to stop worrying about what other people think about the life I life. So they may not be ready to live the way I do – to experiences that I do. In fact, chances are that they have found their comfort zone regardless of whether they are focusing on one particular field or whether they have struck their own kind of balance between those activities and interests that appeal to them. This too is not “wrong,” it is simply how they choose to live their lives. But it is not how I choose to live mine.

I can’t.

I take one look at the buffet life has put in front of me and I have to try it all, or as much as I can get my hands on (and there are always those few people who seem to be hogging certain sections of the buffet, aren’t there?). I’m not saying that I pig out. I am not addicted to any one thing (such as food or sex or shopping, extreme sports or other addictive activities) I simply have to sample everything, even if it is only a taste.

Hell, sometimes I don’t even eat it; I simply put it on my plate so that I can admire it for its sheer aesthetic beauty because you see, I never know what is going to trigger that breathtaking moment of awe and wonder; that sudden sweep of sensation that floods you with wonder and makes the magic of life come alive and there is something; something that drives me to experience that moment over and over again and in as many ways as is humanly possible.

Come to think of it, maybe I’m not as different from those who dedicate their entire life to one area of research as I originally thought.

The Perception of Pain

On May 14, 2012 By Just StephIn Authentic Living SeriesLeave a comment

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

How many hours have you spent living in pain? Oh, I’m not talking about physical conditions here; broken bones and painful illnesses and things that can be relieved by popping a few pills or taking a hot bath. No, the pain I’m talking about is the pain that twists your heart into a knot; the kind that pierces you insides; the kind of pain comes from reliving painful memories and circumstances over and over again; playing them out on the movie screen of your mind in all of their gory detail.

Perhaps they are old memories; things that happened long ago and far away; things that impacted your childhood or things that you have simply not been able to let go of. Or maybe the painful event happened just this morning; someone saying something unintentionally hurtful as they walked out the door, and you can’t keep your mind from going over and over what was said.

But not only does the scene replay over and over again in your mind, you then find yourself going over all of the possible interpretations and connotations of what was said. Why did they say that? Was it something you said or did that prompted them to react that way? Could you have done something to prevent it? What did they mean by it?

Before you know it, minutes, sometimes hours have passed and you have absolutely nothing to show for all of your worry but a headache and a tear stained face. You haven’t had breakfast. You can’t focus on your work, you’ve called or texted half a dozen different people asking for their input on the situation; their interpretation of what happened, and when they can’t give you a satisfactory answer you find yourself snapping at everyone around you, and all because you can’t let go.

Ah, that wasn’t what you expected me to say, is it? I’m sorry; did you think I was going to say that the pain you have been experiencing is all because of the event that happened so long ago; all because of the hurtful things that the person said as they were leaving? Did you think I was going to tell you what a brave soul you are for having to relive that horrible time; to re-experience those negatively associated comments and those situations that scared you for life? Well, I’m not, because it’s not true.

You are not feeling bad because of what the person said – or because of whatever it is that happened to you in the past. You are not a brave soul for being able to relive your memories stoically (or even tearfully). What you are is being selfish, and your selfishness is hurting you.

Does that sound rather harsh? Perhaps it does. But that does not make it any less true.

As humans, we cling to our pain – it’s what we do, and there certainly seems to be enough of it around. We pin our hopes and expectations onto people and circumstances; onto events and outcomes, and when they fail to live up to our expectations, we feel hurt and rejected. We experience pain.

But we can’t simply let it go at that. We can’t simply feel the pain and then move on. Oh no, we have to cling to our pain. It wasn’t simply enough to experience it. We have to own it. We have to keep it close, locked away in a pretty carved box; one that we can take out and rummage through whenever we feel the urge to trust again; whenever we feel the urge to live.

We cling to the memories of those things that hurt us because we have an instinctive urge to avoid pain; because we don’t want to be hurt that way ever again, and reliving that painful event or circumstance; playing that memory over and over again in our minds is our way of protecting ourselves against its ever repeating. The thing is, in making ourselves repeat these memories over and over again, we are hurting ourselves far worse than the event ever could – or did. Instead of experiencing the pain once; learning from it and moving on, we force ourselves to experience it time and time again.

It is far better to let go of all of the old hurts and painful memories. Will this leave you open to being hurt again? Of course it will. But if you want to really live and not hide yourself away, it is a chance you are going to have to take.

Try it.

When you find yourself recalling a painful experience, instead of letting it play out in your head, stop it in its tracks. Lift it out of your mind complete and whole as you would a flower that you have picked and hold it in front of you; over a pond or river in your imagination. Acknowledge the pain that the memory caused, and then let it go. Drop it into the water. It is gone. The fear and the pain that were attached to it are gone too.

Will this leave you vulnerable to be hurt again? Yes it will. But it will also give you a freedom and lightness of being that will make your spirit soar seeing as that it is no longer weighted down with the fears and expectations that you had given to it for safekeeping.

Besides, if you remember that the pain of experience comes not from the experience itself but rather from what we tell ourselves about the experience then you will find the way that you view your experiences changing radically, all it takes is a shift in perception, and the ability to let go.

The Magic Web

On April 25, 2012April 25, 2012 By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

We live in a magical world. If you don’t think so, just look around you; look at the intricacies of a spider’s web (Her mother dies giving birth to her – so how does she know how to create that? Where do the designs come from?) Look at the glory of a sunrise; at the intimate dance of sunlight and shadow across the surface of a pond; at the delicate ecological balance of life taking place just beneath the surface of that water.

Truly, mysteries abound. The secrets of fierce nuclear fusion that give birth to the life-giving warmth of our sun, the cycling of our stars and the complex combination of interlocking chemical and biological systems that make up the human body.

But probably one of the most amazingly mysterious and magical concepts is the fact that each of these mysteries; each of these intricate layers of creation is connected to everything else around it. Like the spider dancing across the strings of her web; we too are connected to everything around us. We share our energy with that spider. We dance to the sinuous music of the wind in the trees and in our hearts burns the same fierce brightness that fuels the sun itself.

You don’t believe me? Go out into your yard before dawn some morning; go out in your bare feet and feel the dew on the grass beneath your toes; close your eyes and let the silence soak into your skin; feel the stirring of the wind; feel the power of the earth soaking into the soles of your feet. Listen as the birds begin to welcome the first rays of sunlight; then open your eyes and watch as morning breaks and then tell me that you are not connected to everything around you.

It’s just that sometimes there is so much to take in. Sometimes it is too much to take in. Sometimes it feels that if we try to take it all in our hearts will burst with the sheer beauty of it. In fact, chances are that the last time you truly took the time to let yourself connect to everything and everyone around you was when you were a child; when you could still comprehend the vastness and the mystery of it without needing to understand why.

No, for most of us there comes a time when our openness and willingness to accept our connection to everyone and everything becomes too much to bear. Usually this occurs when someone or something within our web lets us down; when we can no longer see the beauty of the connection because of the pain of disappointment and dashed hopes; when even trying to see this connection hurts us too much and we withdraw to a safer, less vibrant level of reality where it won’t hurt so bad because we are no longer as open to life.

And it doesn’t end with our first step away from openness. Most of us spend our lives narrowing our connection. For most of us, our webs of connection to the world around us get smaller and smaller over the years; our connections fewer as people and circumstances fail to live up to our expectations. And instead of dealing with the pain we simply narrow our focus; spinning smaller and smaller webs until finally the last filaments of our once glorious web drift away in the evening breeze because of our neglect and we sit forlorn on the fencepost; alone and unconnected and waiting for the end. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

That talented spider with her delicately spun web does not let a little thing like a disappointment or discouragement –or even failed expectations keep her from maintaining her glorious web. She spins and spins and spins and spins again. And even when her web is broken by struggling insects; by gales of disappointment; by the careless actions of others; she quickly re-creates her web, continually opening herself back up – yes, to the pain and the disappointments – but also to the beauty and the wonder that caused her to choose that particular place to spin a web in to begin with.

So what is keeping you?

What is keeping you from re-spinning that web; those connections that you had in childhood; those connections that bound you with awe and reverence to the wonder and the mystery that surrounds you?

The only thing that is keeping you from once more opening yourself up to the joy and beauty that could be yours is your fear; the fear of disappointment; the fear pain; the fear that once your web has been torn apart you won’t have the strength to spin it out again.

Funny thing that, because the spider doesn’t even question whether or not she has the strength; she simply chooses to spin; stretching herself out to catch every subtle drop of beauty and possibility that is her birthright and accepting the pain as part of what it means to be alive.

The Pain of Being Alive

On March 14, 2012 By Just StephIn Authentic Living SeriesLeave a comment

It has been said that pain is simply a part of what it means to be alive; an affirmation that we are living and breathing, for pain it seems comes with every change and change is the one constant in the universe.

Does that sound too morbid? That life IS pain?

Yes, there is plenty of pain in life that any sane person would choose to avoid if possible; the pain of a body broken in an accident; the pain of a long term illness; of starvation; the pain of exposure to the elements. It is our nature to avoid these kinds of pain; to take steps to ensure that we don’t have to be subjected to them because, quite frankly, the pain is unpleasant. But not all physical pain is bad.

Indeed, physical pain can be an indication of growth; such as the growing pains experienced by children or the burning pain of muscles that are being built up through rigorous exercise. Pain can also go hand in hand with extreme pleasure, as experienced during orgasm, or as the beginning of life itself, as experienced in childbirth.

But there are other kinds of pain. There are pains that run deeper than the physical; pains that originate in the mind and that are not as easily healed as physical injuries and illnesses. These pains can have their origins in betrayed trust, in unrequited love, in guilt, in dashed hopes and failed expectations.

We know, logically, that these kinds of pains tend to be the catalysts for profound change; but we find ourselves cringing away from this kind of pain because sometimes it seems as if these kinds of wounds are more painful than physical pain ever dreamt of being; primarily because we don’t allow ourselves to heal. Unlike physical injuries, we can’t seem to be able to process mental and emotional trauma that can lead to healing and growth.

In fact, we tend to cling to our pain; especially our mental pain; to embrace it as if it were a treasured possession. Perhaps it is because the pain reminds us of what we had and what we had; of the life we once lived and of everything that we have lost. Perhaps it is our way of making ourselves pay for something that we consider to be our fault; our way of making atonement for our mistakes. We cling to it in spite of our feeble attempts to mask it; to ease it with painkillers and narcotics; with shopping and sex and alcohol.

We don’t want the pain, but we don’t seem to know how to let go of it. It is as if on a very fundamental level we understand that even though pain hurts us – it is a catalyst for growth; for becoming the person that we were always meant to be. The disconnect is in knowing how to recognize it for what it is and process it in such a way that it becomes a blessing and not a curse.

The Zen masters understood this, which is why they said that the only solution to pain and suffering in this world was to become one with it – to allow yourself to feel the pain completely and totally; to let it fill you up until there is absolutely nothing else that exists in your universe. In doing this you receive everything that the pain is offering you. You accept it freely. You allow yourself to experience it fully. Then and only then are you ready to let go of the pain in order to make room for something new in your life.