Tag: relationships

Tectonically Divergent

On By Just StephIn My OdysseyLeave a comment

divergentSuddenly thrown together; violently torn apart; slow and steady buildup of grown and strength or a steady movement away from each other; a study of planetary plate tectonics is like viewing the development and decline of personal relationships only on a global scale.

Most people are introduced to the concept of tectonic plates in grade school. I can remember learning about how the plates moved and how two plates meeting head on caused folds in the land that we know as mountain ranges and how the sudden shifting apart of two plates could cause rifts and canyons in the earth’s crust; how two plates moving in opposite directions can cause earthquakes or trigger volcanos.

It was a fascinating subject, and I remember spending hours on my own reading about how the plates interacted with each other; about which continents rode on which plates and in which direction they were (slowly) moving, and about the currents of the magma underneath the plates that is thought to contribute to the continental shifts. Of course I got sidetracked by geysers and earthquakes and volcanoes and Yellowstone National Park basically being one giant Caldara. But it was the discovery that plate motions vary from 10-40 mm per year (or about as fast as fingernails grow) at the Atlantic Ridge to 160 mm per year (about as fast as hair grows) at the Nazca Plate that really got me thinking about the similarities between planetary tectonics and the human subconscious and its influence on the development and decline of personal relationships.

While each human person on this planet belongs to one species (just as the tectonic plates travel over and around the one core of the planet) each individual (plate) stands alone and moves in its own direction, intent on its own growth and development.

But, just like the tectonic plates, individuals come in contact with and interact with each other on a regular basis. Some merely pass by each other smoothly and with absolutely no friction or move together in the same direction, taking comfort from knowing that they are not alone, while others meet each other head on, neither one giving an inch and causing the upheaval of everything and everyone around them. Some people come together and meld in spite of the fact that they are moving in opposite directions, and when they finally move far enough apart everything around them comes tumbling down or an eruption occurs that burns down everything they had worked to build together. And some people – some people travel together for a long time, but unbeknownst to either, they are moving in opposite directions and it isn’t until the rift or ridge between them is too big to be spanned or climbed do they have to acknowledge that their time together is over.

I suppose that I am lucky.   Unlike so many marriages that mimic a Convergent plate boundary (meeting head on and causing huge upheavals) or a Transform plate boundary (the kind that result in frictional shift with resultant earthquakes and destruction of everything the couple has built) my marriage is ending as a Divergent plate boundary – the kind where two plates keep drifting away from each other forming a rift or ridge between them.

After 25 years my husband and I have finally acknowledged that the rift between us is too deep and too wide to be spanned. For years we simply ignored it, felling trees to serve as foot bridges, building rope bridges when the trees were no longer large enough, constructing steel and cable monstrosities when the ropes finally unraveled and at long last sending mule trains across when even the longest bridge could no longer hold up.

Mind you it wasn’t easy for either of us to acknowledge that it was over. There have been lots of tears (on my side) and plenty of defensiveness as both of us try to justify how we got here and who is to blame for the huge canyon between us that we finally had to acknowledge as existing when even the mules bogged down in the mire, dug in their heels, and refused to move another inch.

They say that hindsight is 20/20. And now that we are here; now that it is over; it is clear that had we acknowledged the rift when it first occurred; the first cracks in seemingly stable land, we could have halted the divergence in its tracks, for there is one major difference between plate tectonics and human relationships, and that is choice.

While the plates move together and tear apart in seemingly random dances of creation and destruction, humans can choose to move together; to mend the rifts; to quench the volcanos; to anchor themselves to something far deeper and stronger than themselves; to anchor themselves to their choice to be united and to stand together and to grow and change in tandem; a choice that prevents the random and chaotic upheavals that unanchored relationships encounter.

We did not.

Perhaps we were anchored once. But slowly, day by day, year by year, the resolve to stand together dissolved and we were left to drift apart on separate unseen currents tethered to each other only by our love and concern for our two beautiful daughters and our desire to make sure that they grew up with the love and attention of both parents on a 24/7 basis; a tether that, with our youngest turning 18 and graduating from high school has finally snapped, leaving us each standing on opposite sides of a grand canyon of disbelief and holding the frayed end of what was once a strong and beautiful relationship.

The good thing about a divergent breakup is that there has been only a minimum of drama; no histrionics or flung accusations or eruptions of long vented anger and frustration, only the relatively calm acceptance of where we are now and of what comes next and the mutual agreement that our daughters will continue to be our priority and that even though we will no longer be living together, we agree to be there for them when they need us; putting aside our own differences in order to support them in whatever they decide to do and in any kind of life events that come their way.

So here we are, saying goodbye to a marriage that lasted a quarter of a century but somehow emerging with a level of mutual regard, of shared responsibility and goodwill for each other intact; something that defies the conventional concept of breakups and leaves us staring at each other with a sheepish smile and a half-hearted shrug. It may not be how things usually end, but this is where we are. Each of us staring into the canyon between us, seeing the layers of strata that have been revealed by the pulling apart of these two plates; the shared experiences and colorful memories and moments of a shared life and down; far down at the bottom of the canyon we can just glimpse the river of what once was; a river that continues to flow in spite of the towering canyon walls, and always will.

 

~SSHenry, July 2014

 

How to Heal a Broken Heart

On By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, My OdysseyLeave a comment

broken heart“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

My heart was broken long ago.  The details don’t matter.  What matters is that instead of admitting that my heart was broken; instead of admitting that I was in pain and dealing with the trauma right then and there, I made a series of decisions that threw my world into chaos and that impacted my life for a very long time.

Mind you, the decisions that I made (one in particular) in response to the heartbreak were a way of protecting my heart from further injury; of insulating it against the pain that I had incurred.  But what I didn’t realize is that by denying the pain; by choosing to delude myself into thinking that I was all right, I was ignoring an injury which, when left untreated, never healed.  In fact, it began to fester, poisoning everything else I did.

And so to escape the pain of infection I wrapped myself in layers upon layers of mundane is-ness; sinking into a depression so complete that I was not even aware that I was.  I only knew that there was something wrong; something that continued to eat at me and that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

As crazy as it may seem, six months ago, just as I was ready to give up altogether, it was the very one who inflicted the original injury that pulled me out of my despondency; enabling me to see exactly what I had allowed my life to become due to the choices that I had made and gave me the courage to acknowledge what I had done, accept where I am, and  to face the future without fear of what it might bring.

Knowing what might have been – what I have lost – what I will never have because of the choices that I have made – makes my heart ache as it has never ached before.  It is like peeling off the scab to clean out an infected wound; a throbbing ache that reaches right down to my soul.

Accepting that I will never have what might have been; accepting where I am and who I have become because of the path I chose to follow stings like alcohol poured into a cut; intensifying the pain to the point that it doesn’t feel as if I can take it for even one more second.  But it also kills the bacteria of despair and despondence and is the first step to healing.

Acceptance leads to an understanding of why I made those choices.  And understanding is like a soothing balm; a balm and a soft cotton bandage that covers the cleaned wound, protecting it from further damage.

But knowing and accepting and understanding is not enough.  I must also have wisdom; wisdom and courage to prevent any more trauma to my heart; not by burying it where it cannot be touched, but by leaving it exposed and choosing instead to make those decisions that will strengthen it.

I must have the wisdom to learn from my experiences and the courage to listen to my heart and, from now on, to make each decision based on what feels right to my heart – to my soul –not based on my fears; not as a reaction to pain that threatens to tear me apart, or in response to the pressures and influences of what those around me expect from me.  And once I have made the decision, the courage to move forward without fear, knowing that if I am acting from my heart – and for my heart – that I will be making the decision that is best for me and that will help me to become who and what I was meant to be.

~SSHenry~ March 2, 2014.

Excuse Me, My Life is Waiting

On By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, My Odyssey3 Comments

walk“Surround yourself only with people who are going to lift you higher.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

 

Does purposefully surrounding yourself with people who will lift you higher; people who encourage you and strengthen you sound like a selfish thing to do?  Can you imagine the alternative?

No, most of us don’t have to imagine the alternative, because most of us live it.  I know I do.  Or, rather, up until now, I have.

When I was little it was family members who would discourage me from my dreams, telling me that I really didn’t have the talent or skill for this or that endeavor, or that what I was attempting was not something that a “good Christian girl” would do.  If I pursued my activities I would then have to put up with the disappointment of those same family members and see the hurt and pain in their eyes that I wasn’t living up to their expectations.  And so I would sigh and tuck away my dreams.

When I was older it was my teachers, friends or boyfriends that would discourage me from attempting what they saw as ill-conceived or inadvisable options.  And what did I do?  I would go ahead with them anyway, until of course someone looked at me again with that pain in their eyes, and then I would crumble. OK, ok.  I’ll fold.  Just stop looking at me like that.  I want you to LIKE me, to LOVE me, not to be disappointed by me. And then I got married and the whole process started over again. 

So why am I speaking in the past tense?  Because I have decided that I am finished with the negativity.  I have to be.

You see, the negativity of those who discourage, demean or belittle me and my desire to become the truest version of myself are not serving me.  And there – right there – is where I usually get a twinge of guilt.  The very term “not serving me” just reeks of self-centeredness, doesn’t it?

But there comes a point in your life where you realize that as much as you care about the people in your life; and as much as you want them to be happy, there is something that is more important, and that is that you be true to your real self no matter how others feel about it.

This isn’t selfishness; at least it isn’t selfishness in the traditional definition of the word.  No, this is taking care of what you need in order to learn and grow and become, and let’s face it, without growth things tend to stagnate and grow stale. That includes everything from your personal life to your relationships with others, so no matter what, there really is no point in spending your energy trying to maintain the status quo.

Of course those negative individuals in your life who encourage you NOT to change would be glad of change IF (and only if) you were to change in the direction that they wish to see you go.  What scares them is that you are changing in ways that make them uncomfortable, which is why they fight against it so hard. But a moment of reflection should show you that change to make someone else happy is actually counterproductive.  Yes, the other person may rest easier knowing that you will not break out in ways that they cannot or will not allow themselves to understand.  But you will be just as unhappy having changed into something that you are NOT as you were unhappy to remain in a stagnant or stale situation.

Actually, you will be unhappier having changed in a direction that is at odds with your soul purpose; even unhappier than you would be simply staying put and resisting the urge to become who and what you really are.

No.  The truth of the matter is that you HAVE to follow your instincts and intuition if you are going to truly live your life and not simply treat it as some sort of spectator sport.

At the risk of sounding cliché, you have to follow your heart.  If it leads you in a direction that others find uncomfortable enough, they will move on or move out of your life to a place where they feel more comfortable and where the people and things live up to their expectations.

So when I talk about surrounding yourself with those who will lift you up (and not pull you down) I’m not talking about walking away from people or situations that do not serve you.  Instead, what I am saying is that you need to stop giving those people and situations that you find energy draining or negative to the point of depression, your attention.

Just stop.  They are not worth the effort of either fighting their negativity or the effort of changing yourself in order to please them.  They do not serve you.

So focus on what does serve you; on those things that bring you joy and that fill your life with the wonder and mystery that feeds your soul.  Focus on those things that encourage you to grow and become who and what you truly are, and watch your life as it changes for the better.

Boiling Frogs

On By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, My OdysseyLeave a comment

“A Miracle is a highly improbably or extraordinary event, development or accomplishment (usually welcome and highly valued) which is not entirely explicable by natural laws. Some people attribute these to divine intervention. Others simply say that they are the result of natural laws which we simply don’t understand yet. One thing is for certain – sometimes it takes a miracle to make you believe in the possibility of them occurring no matter what their origin.” ~ SSHenry

I never used to believe in miracles; not even the kind that can be explained by as-yet unknown natural laws.  I always used to think that either something was possible – or it was not.  Oh I’d heard of miracles, certainly.  But even things like spontaneous cancer remissions could, in my mind, be categorized in the “as-yet unknown natural law” category.  But there is nothing like actually experiencing a miracle to understand its true power.

I can’t go into details; the events that led up to this particular incident are still too raw and close to my heart to share openly.  Suffice it to say that I had found myself in a situation that had become intolerable.  It was like the proverbial frog in a pot of boiling water.

You know the story; a frog is placed in a pot of tepid water on top of a stove burner.  It doesn’t resist being put in the water because the temperature is comfortable.  Then slowly, bit by bit, the temperature of the water is turned up until the frog quietly boils to death; never complaining or attempting to escape because it acclimates to each miniscule change in the water’s temperature.

I was the frog.  I had, over the years, allowed my life to reach a temperature just short of the boiling point.  Yes, it was a bit uncomfortable, but I simply thought that was the way things were supposed to be.  I didn’t fight it.  But then, rather abruptly, someone pulled the lid off the pot and prodded me into leaving the pot, and I’ll tell you right now, the change in temperature nearly blew my mind, as did the realization of just what I had allowed my life to become as well as what I had been living without; things that were my right; things that no one should have to live without. Then someone tried to put me back into the pot of near-boiling water.

Well, you can imagine what happened; water everywhere; the pot caroming off of cupboards and bouncing around on the floor like an ill-tempered poodle that has been ignored for too long. No, I did not go gentle into that good night.  In fact, I refused to go at all.  In the process of refusing to simply slip back into the boiling water I made a mess of everything around me and scalded those around me in the process.

It wasn’t pretty, and I’m not proud of the mess I made or the pain that I inflicted, but there is something good that came out of it.  No, there is something miraculous that came out of it; not only did I realize just what my life had become and refuse to be prodded into an acceptance of the way things had been, one of those I scalded – in spite of being in intense pain and extremely angry at me for upsetting the pot, was shocked into the realization of just what had been happening, of the pain and discomfort they had been inflicting as well by turning up the temperature (though it wasn’t a calculated infliction of pain). In fact, they were so startled when they realized what had been happening that they tossed out the pot as well as the stove and replaced them with a pond replete with lily pads and soothing reeds and lots of bugs where we can both kick back and relax and forget about things like stoves and pots and even kitchens.

The long and the short of it is that the atmosphere has completely changed.  I didn’t think it was possible.  I regret that it took such an upset and that people got hurt in the process, but the change is, not to put too fine of a point on it, miraculous.

Will it last?  I don’t know. I’d like to think so. But in the meantime, I am definitely going to enjoy the pond and being with someone who appreciates me and is willing to share this lily pad with me in spite of the burns I inflicted; burns that have to hurt like the very devil when immersed in the pond water but which will eventually heal when exposed to the warmth of the sun.

Too Much Love and Not Enough

On By Just StephIn My Odyssey, Touching the Infinite2 Comments

“I can only Love. That is all I can do. That is all I can be because that is what I am.  I AM Love.  I am what encompasses you; moves through you and allows you to be everything and experience everything that makes you who and what you are; everything.  No exceptions.  It’s all here; all a part of the totality that makes up existence; that makes up life.  It all exists inside of Love.  And all of Love exists inside of Me.”

~ SSHenry

Does that sound like something out of a new age self-help book?  Does that sound like some sort of sentimental clap-trap? Perhaps it does, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Before you throw up your hands in frustration and decide that I have indeed gone over to the dark side, let me get one thing straight here.  I’m not talking about generalized love; you know the kind of love that a person refers to when they are talking about “loving” a certain kind of soda or brand of clothes or sports team.  That is such a watered down and punk-ass version of the real thing that it really doesn’t deserve to have the same word applied to it.  Come to think of it, we do use that word an awfully lot, don’t we?

Forget just the generalized over-use of the word “love” in general conversation.  There are so many other uses for the word that it is no wonder that sometimes it feels as if it has been spread way too thin.

We use the word “love” not just to express intense like in an object or for an experience, we also use the word as a way to describe everything from intense romantic desire (falling in love) to the sexual act (making love) to the intensely deep and protective feelings for a child (paternal love) the abiding camaraderie of friends (platonic love) and even the all-encompassing acceptance/salvation/forgiveness attributed to God in whatever way you define him (divine love).

And any way we slice it, the word “love” has come to be associated with certain expectations.  Think about it.  When we talk about “loving” a product or an experience, that ‘love’ depends on the product or experience continuing to produce the same feelings in us as it always has or by producing the same result that we find so awesome.

When we talk about romantic love, falling in love or making love we assume that the other person in the scenario is going to return our feelings or that we are at least going to get some sort of physical satisfaction out of it.  The same concept holds true for parental love, filial love, the love of friends and any other sort of love that you want to define.  There is always some sort of expectation; always something that you get in return.  Even divine love has its expectations.

Yes, in spite of those who claim that “God is love” and that is his love is unconditional, there is still the problem of why it is that the rewards of his love (eternal life) are dependent on the one receiving his love accepting and returning it or showing their appreciation for it in an appropriate manner, otherwise you don’t benefit from the love (at least not in the long term).  I hate to say it, but that is not unconditional love.

True unconditional love knows no limitations and has no expectations.  It not only loves everyone unconditionally, it also bestows the benefits of that love on everyone regardless of whether that love is appreciated, returned or even acknowledged – ever.

There is no differentiating those who accept the love from those who do not.  There are no special rewards for those who acknowledge or return the love as opposed to those who do not.  One simply LOVES.  Not because there is anything in it for you, not because you are obsessed with the people or things that you love, but because you have no other choice.  It is simply who and what you are.  It is what you do.  You get to the point where you cannot NOT love even if the people do not appreciate, return or even acknowledge the love that you give them.

It may seem as if it happened over night.  In fact, you may wake up one morning with this love in your heart and wonder how the devil it happened.  But chances are if you look back at your life, you’ll be able to see its progression; how opening and re-opening yourself up to love (in spite of the pain of rejection), how focusing on the positive even when it seemed that the negativity was suffocating, how reminding yourself over and over again not to become attached to people and outcomes all paid off.

But let me tell you something; in spite of the fact that when you get to this point; when you find that you cannot NOT love the people around you (regardless of how stupid they behave or even if they ignore you completely); that you want the best for everyone (even those who have hurt you), it can almost be lonelier than it was when you could compartmentalize; when you could put people into categories of those you loved, tolerated, ignored or hated.  Because in order to love at this level; in order to love at all, you have to open yourself up to that love; including being loved (or not) in return, even if the amount of love you receive is not equal to that which you are giving out.  And there WILL be those who love you in return, even if it is not with an unconditional love. On some levels, that can be the scariest thing of all.

Why?  Because when a person returns your love; when they acknowledge the unconditional love that you are sending them and reflect it back to you, it can be so delicious that it can be addictive.  And you will be tempted to become attached to what it is that they are offering; to feel as if they are supplying you with that love when in truth it is only a reflection of what is there in your own heart.  If you can remember that; that there is nothing they are giving you that you do not have access to yourself, then you will be okay even if they decide for whatever reason that they no longer love you.  If you can’t remember that, you are opening yourself up to a world full of hurt as you slip back into the addictive and painful world of love that is wrapped up in attachment and expectation.

But if you can resist the urge of attachment; of looking to one person or experience that you crave; you will have found that in every person; even those who do not acknowledge or return the love that you give out without question; that there is a reflection of the love that you give out without prompting; a love that is then reflected back to yourself threefold enabling you to become even more than you already were.

Indeed, loving unconditionally will not only be your biggest challenge, but its own tremendous reward.  And even though this may not make complete and total sense to you now, it will.  Oh yes, in time it will.

The Vanilla Man

On By Just StephIn Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I’m a chocolate kind of girl.   From the time I was little I would bypass the pretty pink ice creams (strawberry mostly) that other girls my age seemed so fond of (I honestly think it had something to do with the popularity of Strawberry Shortcake at the time) and went straight for the Double Dutch Chocolate or Swiss Chocolate Almond.

In shops that had multiplicities of flavors I’d ignore the pistachio and lemon balm and caramel crunch; preferring to zero in on the Fudge Stripe and Mayan Chocolate, with an occasional nod to Oreo Cookie Crunch or Chocolate Chip.  When people would ask me why I didn’t try and mix it up a bit I would shrug and say I didn’t know, but what it was, was that I didn’t know how to explain it.

You see, I didn’t understand why I should muck around with the more fruity or bland flavors, even if they were unusual.  What I wanted – what I craved – was the full-bodied experience of chocolate; the way that it completely overwhelmed my senses and bombarded me with an intoxicating richness that went straight to my head.

Strangely enough, this was a theme that would follow me for my entire life; always having to go straight for the people and places, the situations and experiences that would provide me with the most stimulation; the most intensity; the most flavor and it amazed me that there were people who actually went out of their way to avoid these kinds of stimulation.  For the longest time I thought that there had to be something wrong with them.  Indeed, many of them seemed rather ashamed of the fact that they didn’t try more or do more, as if they felt they had let themselves down somehow by choosing safety and security over adventure and really wild things.  But it was my encounter with the Vanilla Man that would forever change the way I viewed my life and the way those around me had chosen to live.

The Vanilla Man was something entirely new to my experience; a person who not only avoided excess stimulation of any kind (shunning those experiences and situations and experiences that I found so attractive) but who took pride in being predictable and I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out why anyone would prefer this kind of a life.  It was an intriguing concept, and one I had never encountered before.

Even then, those many years ago, the Vanilla Man was predictable.  Even as a young man you could set your clock by his routine.  At any time of the day or night you knew where he would be and what he would be doing.  And in spite of my own personal preferences and inclinations, I found him anything but boring.  He had an awesome sense of humor and we could converse on a wide variety of topics even seeing things from different perspectives as we did.  In fact, I found his predictability and complete confidence in himself to be entirely refreshing; a way of looking at the world around him that I had never considered before to be valid.   He found my spontaneity and unfiltered view of the world just as intriguing, and it made for a rather tempestuous relationship.

Like night and day, however, we eventually went our separate ways, unable to reconcile our opposite views and lifestyles (though we remain fast friends) and there are times when I have to wonder what would have happened if we had given that mixing of vanilla and chocolate a go.  Would it have resulted in a block of striped ice cream with neither budging to give the other space?  Would we have been like a hot fudge sundae with one of us overpowering or smothering the other? Or would we have mixed ourselves so thoroughly that we would have each become something less (and more) than we had been on our own; giving up our own chocolate and vanilla personalities and preferences to become something like chocolate mouse or vanilla swirl?

Many years have gone by since then, but I have never forgotten what the Vanilla Man had to teach me; that just because there are those who don’t see the world in quite the same way that you do does not mean that their perspective is invalid, and that not everyone has to approach life in the same way that you do in order to be truly and fully alive.

In truth, the world needs vanilla.  Without vanilla men (and women) the chocolates and coconut cherry chunks and rocky roads would run rampant and there would never be any continuity; nothing would get done.  The world would dissolve into complete and total chaos and anarchy.  Besides being soothing and creamy, vanilla tones down the bitterness of more aggressive flavors and makes the sickly sweet tolerable and goes well with almost everything, and while there are those who would downplay its importance or who would say that it dilutes the more exotic flavors, the truth is that without vanilla, we would run into some serious problems.

Even today, every now and then I’ll find myself opting for a dish of vanilla ice cream as opposed to chocolate; a reminder of what could have been, yes, but also to what is, and the incredible variety that makes up humanity; that makes up life and how each and every one of us, regardless of our preferences has a place and a purpose in that great big ice cream parlor that makes up our universe.

The Hall of Mirrors

On By Just StephIn Authentic Living Series, Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

 

“There are some minds like either convex or concave mirrors, which represent objects such as they receive them, but never receive them as they are.” ~ Joseph Joubert

When I first started college I had a full-length mirror that I had hung on the back of my dorm room door. Having a mirror there made practical sense; I could check how I looked on my way to class; make sure that I had zipped up my jeans and had put on matching socks (both things that I tended to overlook, especially if I was on my way to a 6:30 a.m. class).

The problem was that every time I glanced in that mirror it made me feel fat – bloated almost. I don’t care how good I felt before that; how energetic. It didn’t matter how good I knew I looked or how thin I knew I was, as soon as I glanced in that mirror I felt like I’d gained ten pounds. I felt heavy, sluggish and tired. Suddenly all I wanted was to crawl back into bed. I could almost feel my jeans getting tighter and my face puffing.

And then one day about six weeks into my first semester, a friend of mine stopped into my room, took one look in my mirror and said “What’s wrong with this thing? It makes everything look bloated!” She then proceeded to take the mirror off the door and peel off the backing; exposing the back of the mirror itself, which had, at some point in its manufacturing (whether due to pressure or just some defect), developed a slight convex curve that just barely distorted everything it reflected.

Chagrined I threw the mirror into the trash. It had all been a lie. I’d been trusting in the reflection of a distorted and defective mirror to tell me how I looked; letting what it showed me dictate how I felt instead of trusting to how I felt about myself; instead of trusting to how I knew my clothes looked on me. And then it occurred to me, how often we do this to ourselves.

Think about it. Here I was accepting the ‘truth’ of a mirror that was defective; a mirror that had developed a warp that made everything it reflected appear bloated slightly. But how often do we accept the truth about ourselves as reflected by those around us, by our friends, family and co-workers? In fact, doing so is a lot like accepting the truth of a fun house mirror; the kind that shows you all distorted. What do you think would happen if we accepted as reality the image that these mirrors presented to us? What kind of twisted monster would we think that we are?

And yet, there are those who say that those around us are our mirrors; that they reflect back to us our true natures and the true nature of our reality. While this may be the case with mirrors that have been well made; or with mirrors that have been recalibrated; and that take time to reflect a little before throwing back the image, it is not necessarily true of all of those we come in contact with.

While our interactions with others do serve as a sort of hall of mirrors, just as when we are observing ourselves in the distorted reflection of a fun house mirror, it is up to us to determine what it is that the reflection they cast is showing; to discern whether the reflection that we see is a true representation of who and what we really are; of our authentic self; or if it has been distorted by the mirror itself; by the prejudices and perceptions as well as the societal, religious and familial conditioning of the one doing the reflecting.

It is up to us to make use of the only mirror that we can trust; the only one that reflects us back to ourselves exactly the way we are, and that is the mirror that the heart holds up for us to see ourselves in.

Cherish is the Word

On By Just StephIn Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

To Love, Honor and Cherish.

These words have been included in wedding ceremonies, both Christian and Civil services for the last 200 years and while the first two are fairly self-explanatory, it is the third, Cherish, that has, over the years, lost its true meaning.

So what does it mean to cherish someone?

The word Cherish is defined in most dictionaries with the following five definitions:

 

1). To care for, be fond of or attached to.
2). To love and care for somebody.
3). To value something highly
4). To retain a memory or wish in the mind as a source of pleasure
5). To cling fondly to a person or memory

I don’t know about you, but all five of those definitions come up a bit short – and none of them explain why the word should be included in the words of a service as binding as that of marriage.

To care for or be fond of could apply to anyone you are close to, not necessarily a marriage partner.

To love and care for seems to me to be covered under “love.”

To value something highly – sorry, but that makes the other person sound like something that is owned and prized like a trophy.

To retain a memory or wish in the mind as a source of pleasure – well, a bit shallow for all that, and hardly worth including in the marriage vows.

To cling fondly to a person or memory – again, the concept of “fondly” is hardly strong enough to see it included.

So what DOES the word Cherish mean? Not what has it come to mean, but what does the word truly mean? What does it mean to Cherish another person and why is the word included in one of the most binding ceremonies known to man?

Perhaps a clue can be found in a synonym of the word Cherish. The roots of the word Cherish can be traced back to the 14th century, and at the time the word was synonymous with the word “foster.”

To foster is to promote the growth and development of the object whether the object is a child or a situation… or one’s spouse.

In order to promote another’s growth and development it is necessary to provide that other with everything that they need in order to continue to grow and develop.

With children this is a fairly straightforward thing. You brought them into the world, it is your responsibility and duty to foster their growth (promote their growth and development) until they reach the point where they can go out into the world on their own.

But with one’s spouse or significant other, it takes on another dimension altogether. When it comes to Cherishing one’s mate, you are dealing with equals; two individuals who have come together voluntarily to share themselves.

To Cherish one’s mate, one must be willing to give them everything that they need in order to achieve their growth and development. As you can imagine, this goes far beyond simply giving them the physical things they need (food, shelter, safety etc.).

In fact, this goes beyond physical security and “things” altogether.

To truly Cherish one’s partner one must also be willing to give the other everything that they need in order to grow and develop in a mental and spiritual sense as well; the moral and spiritual support to continue to grow and develop as individuals throughout the marriage.

And here is the key – unless both partners are giving equally – cherishing equally, you are going to have unbalanced relationship and someone is not going to have what they need in order to grow and develop. Even in the best of relationships this can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration.

And that is very likely why the word Cherish was originally included in the words of the binding ceremony.

Love. Honor. Cherish.

Love should be a given if one is even considering getting married, nine times out of ten both parties at least believe that they are in love with the other.

Honor can also be seen as respect for the other; respect for who and what they are, for what they bring to the relationship, for who they are as individuals.

But to Cherish; to Cherish is, perhaps, the most important element of all, for without it neither party in the marriage can continue to grow or develop within that relationship. Without being able to Cherish your other, and without them Cherishing you, the relationship becomes about the physical provisions; the security; the money; the children; and ceases to be that of a partnership where both are striving to help the other towards becoming the best and most that they can be.

Employing the “F” Word

On By Just StephIn Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

How much pain can a heart deal with and not implode?

It doesn’t matter what was said, the reasons behind the pain – what matters is the pain itself.

HOW MUCH CAN A HEART TAKE?

Well, as I see it, the person dealing with the pain has two choices.

One can either continue to let the pain build up inside, where it will eventually puddle into stagnated pools of moroseness and self-loathing and breed reptiles of the mind or one can choose to employ the “F” word.

No, it’s not “F*@k you”, (though there ARE days when one would like to employ that word with strategic preciseness) no, the “F” word I’m speaking of is FORGIVENESS.

Yes, you heard me right, forgiveness.

Think about it, think of the worst pain you’ve experienced, then consider, just consider the idea of forgiving the person for the pain they’ve caused you.

Interesting concept isn’t it? Notice how your mind shies away from the idea? Now why is that? Why are we so hesitant to employ forgiveness? To use its power to release us from the power of our pain?

I’ll tell you why. Speaking personally I’ve found that when I can forgive someone for the pain they’ve inflicted (whether the pain inflicted was intentional or unintentional) I can release the pain – give it back to the universe so to speak, and be free of it once and for all, and make room for whatever it is that the Universe has planned for me.  But there is always a part of me that resists letting go of that pain; that clings to it like a small child clings to their teddy bear of favorite blanket.  It is this same part of me that wails like the same small child when their favorite object has been taken away from them when the pain is gone.  In fact, the longer I think about forgiving the person, the less likely I am to do it.

So why the hesitation? Why do we cling to the pain instead of forgiving the person and letting it go?

Perhaps the pain makes us feel important. Perhaps we feel that it is better to feel the pain than to feel nothing at all…or perhaps it is because in clinging to the pain we hope to hold onto the person or situation that inflicted it.

I could cling to it. It’s a tempting thought actually, but instead I choose to employ the “F” word, to forgive, to let my pain go.

Try it, just think of a person who’s hurt you, think of the pain they’ve inflicted, FEEL THE PAIN, all of it, every last part of it, let it fill you up until you feel like you can’t stand it for another minute, then say it out loud….

“______I forgive you.  All of this pain that you’ve caused me. Every hurtful thing you’ve said, I choose to no longer hold on to the resentment and the anger it has caused.”

Now (and here is the important part) let the pain go. That’s right – unclench your heart and let go of that anger, that fear, that pain that has been weighing you down and eating at your sense of well-being.  Feel it slip away. No don’t clutch at it.  It’s no longer yours.  You’ve given it away. And don’t worry about where it is going either, the universe will take care of that for you.

Now, take a deep breath and open your eyes.
Isn’t it an amazing feeling? Feel the emptiness inside you; like a house that has been emptied out of all its old oppressive furniture and outdated knickknacks.  What an incredible feeling it is, this lightness of being that comes from no longer holding the weight of your anger and fear and resentment and pain.  Stretch out your metaphorical arms and twirl in your new space.  Laugh at the freedom you’ve been granted.  Now, there’s just one more thing to do…

What, you thought you were done?  Not quite.  Bear with me.  This is by far the easiest step.  You see, you can’t just leave the space that held all your pain empty.  Well, not without cleaning it out first.  Yes, you’ve gotten rid of the pain and hurt and resentment, but now you need to disinfect the room (so to speak) and there is only one way to do that, and that is to open yourself up to love.

So sit or stand quietly, eyes closed, breathing deeply, and feel that empty space in your head; in your heart, the space that so recently was full of hurt and pain.  Now imagine that there is a waterfall of love flowing down through the top of your head and filling you up; all of you; every last inch of you; falling and flowing until you are full to the brim and spilling over.

No, don’t try to stop it when it reaches the top, let it overflow.  This is what happens when you clean something out; you let the cleansing agent do the work. And don’t try to hold onto it.  You’re going to want to hold onto it.  But let it do its work.  And don’t worry about where this love is coming from.  In fact, don’t even try to put a label on it.  Don’t try to call it divine love, or universal love, or cosmic love.  It is love.  It just IS.  Let it be.

When it has finished its work you’ll know.

You’ll know, and you’ll smile, and at last you’ll be at peace.

Our Greatest Teachers

On By Just StephIn Metaphysical MussingsLeave a comment

We all have someone in our lives that drives us absolutely crazy, someone who, every time they speak, makes you cringe, someone who hurts you with what they have to say – or the way they treat you – or the way they react to you, even though they may not be intentionally doing so.

Most people consider these sorts of persons “trials” or “burdens” or perceive them as some sort of test, something to overcome.

Well, what if that person – the most difficult person in your life – is actually your highest teacher? What if that person is the person that was put in your life TO HELP YOU?

What if you thought of that person not as someone you can’t stand; someone who you barely tolerate, but as a great spiritual master? What if it were true that the person that represents the most difficult part of your life is someone from who you have vowed to learn something, regardless of the way in which they teach it?

Think about it…great spiritual teachers can be very difficult. They do not spend a lot of time stroking their students’ egos. They are much more concerned with helping their students let go of the parts of themselves that prevent them from seeing their own divinity, and although the methods that they use to get the message across may seem like selfish actions designed to purposefully annoy.

Great spiritual teachers are often unpredictable, unreasonable and irrational. They regularly engage in behaviors that defy logic and that make you come up with solutions that you otherwise might not have considered. The guru is notorious for putting their student in a “no-win” situation so that they can learn that the only way they can find happiness is to release their attachment to opinions and preferences.

Does this sound familiar?  It should, for each of us are given great spiritual teachers to guide us on our way; to bring into focus those aspects of our own lives that need the most attention; the most fixing.

Re-perceiving this person (whether they are family, a friend, a partner, an employer, co-worker or even a stranger) as a potential teacher opens up an entire new perspective on life. It can truly make us take a fresh look at the person – not as a person – but a message from god; a directive from the universe; a teacher sent to us specifically to teach us what we most need to learn.

So when does it end?  When is the lesson ‘learned’?  When can we move on to the more interesting stuff; the people and interactions that we actually enjoy and want to be a part of?  Does this mean that we simply have to tolerate those people that we find the most difficult?  That we are stuck wit them?   Is our lesson learned when we can deal with the crap that they dish out and not react to it?

Oh no my friend; it is far more than simply tolerating or not reacting.  If we are open to instruction; to direction from a higher source; from our higher selves; we will find that when it comes to these greatest of teachers, we have to surrender.

Ha!  I felt you cringe.  You don’t like that word, do you?  Surrender has bad vibes for most westerners; it reeks of giving up independence, individuality and control; of submitting your will to the will of another, of losing a part of yourself.  Of no longer being YOU.  But in this situation, you couldn’t be more wrong.

Surrendering to your greatest teacher does not mean that you give up and let them have their way with you; that you become a doormat for every insult they throw at you and submit to their lack of trust or their hurtful words.  No, in this case submission means that you in your mind you acknowledge them as your teacher and embrace the lesson that they are giving you and in so doing open yourself up to instruction and correction.

So the next time that you find yourself hurt by another’s words or actions do not react to them.  Surrender to them.  Allow yourself to feel the pain that is caused by their words or actions.  Feel it fully.  Where does what they are doing or saying hurt you? Can you feel it as a physical pain? Does it hurt in your heart, your mind, your gut?  What emotions does it generate?  Does it make you feel angry, sad, betrayed, annoyed, disgusted?

Pinpoint the pain; the emotions.  Take note of them and allow yourself to feel them, even if it is uncomfortable, for only in experiencing the true nature of these feelings; this pain; can you gain understanding of what the pain and emotions are in reaction to, and only in understanding can you begin to find the answers that the teacher sets you.

Something you will inevitably ask yourself as you work your way through this is “what happens when I’ve learned my lesson?  What happens when I have worked through the issue that this particular teacher was sent to teach me?”

The answer is actually quite simple.  Once you have learned the lesson; once you have worked through the issue, the person’s part in your life will be over.  Either they or you will move on and their influence over you and your reactions and attraction to them will dissipate.

Yes, I know, that gave you pause didn’t it?  It is a hard concept to wrap your brain around, especially since some of our biggest teachers in our lives are those we are closest too; parents, children, spouses, partners, friends; and the idea of simply not having them in our lives anymore may seem unbearable and painful in its own right, but in truth it is not so bad as all that.

Consider the parent/child relationship.  We have our children, we raise them, nurture them, provide them with everything that they need to learn and grow and become, and then we ALLOW them to learn and grow and become.  If they learn and grow and become what we had in mind for them, life is wonderful.  If not, we may be disappointed, and it may make us a bit sad if they choose a different way; if they don’t live up to their potential, but we know that we have done our best and that now it is time to let them live their own lives.

A healthy parent/child relationship will allow for this with the parent still caring for the child; still a part of the child’s life, but allowing the child to go their own way; to find their own meaning and purpose even if it is not what we would have chosen for them.  There comes a point in time where, no matter how much we love them, we have to let them go.

The same concept applies to every great teacher in our lives, regardless of whether we consider them to be a teacher or not.  No matter how close we are to them; no matter what we have shared.  If the lesson they had to teach us has been learned and the time has come for them to move on and learn lessons of their own; to find teachers of their own, then we must allow them to do so.  This does not mean that they will never be a part of our lives again, that is impossible.  They are a part of us and always will be.  It simply means that their part in our story is through.

This can be seen as a very ungrounded way to live; never considering anyone or anything to be a permanent part of our lives; of our existence; but the truth is that until we find the person or persons with whom we are destined to have true soul partnerships (with each partner giving and receiving equally and consciously in a particular relationship) the relationships that we enter into – for whatever reason and with whatever intentions – will wither and die by the wayside as the purpose for them is fulfilled, and to cling to them will only make everyone miserable.

The good news is that when we have learned our lessons; when we have come to an understanding of what this particular teacher had to teach us; our true soul partners will make an appearance.  Whether they are individuals with whom we will be friends; work partners, or even lovers (or all of the above) we cannot be with them, fully and completely, and will not be ready for the sort of mental and emotional intimacy that is required in order to maintain these extra special relationships, until we have worked our way through those issues that our great spiritual teachers have teach us.