self-loathing – REDEFINING REALITY

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

~ George Carlin

We’ve all had those nights; nights when logic and reason abandon us to those thoughts that we usually keep locked up deep in the untouchable places of our minds. You know the thoughts I’m talking about. The kind that we keep locked up so tight that we somehow manage to convince ourselves that we never entertained them.

It’s on nights like these that we wander around the house searching for something; unsure of what it is that we are looking for but finding nothing but frustration and abandoned hopes scattered like overlooked dust bunnies beneath the larger pieces of our mental furniture.

If you are anything like me you wander from room to room; switching on lights, computers, making a cup of hot tea, running a futile Google search (and usually for random phrases that keep running through your mind), perhaps skulking around the yard in hopes of encountering something unusual to keep us occupied, maybe listening to some music or attempting to read a few chapters in your current book until finally you crawl back into bed and close your eyes in hopes that sleep will finally find you.

It is then of course that they come.

But it isn’t sleep that creeps into the silent spaces in your mind.

It isn’t sleep that seeps into the corners of your heart and congeals in oil-slick pools that make your stomach turn over just looking at them.

It is those dark contemplations; those self-doubts and depreciations and fears that we keep locked away in the daylight; buried deep in air tight caskets like so many vampires relegated to the dungeons beneath our waking thoughts.

For some reason they thrive in the moonlight and bask in the play of shadows that fall across the living room floor. You can see them slithering along the baseboards and skulking in the darkness under the stairs and worming their way across the landscape of your mind.

The impression of teeth; of claws extending from misshapen hands; hands that are reaching out to tear our self worth into shreds with one swipe and stand growling over the carcass of our sanity like a hell hound bent on tearing our soul right out of its shell. It’s enough to paralyze you; to leave you shivering on the couch with a blanket pulled around your shoulders, hunched against the chill of uncertainty and self-loathing, the tea congealing on the coffee table and every creak and groan in the floors and pipes only underscoring the sinister ambiance.

When these nights come – and they will come – you can either cower in fear and hiding your heart from the despair that they generate, or you can embrace them; pull them into the core of your heart and welcome them with open arms as long lost aspects of yourself.

You see, these unlovely thoughts; these fears and doubts and feelings of impotency and despair are just as much a part of you as the practical and upbeat aspects of your daytime self; the one who always knows just the right words to say and who others look to when they are in need of wisdom and emotional support. Denying the truth will only give them more power each time that they manage to creep beyond the confines of those deep places to which you have relegated them.

If you embrace them however, if you welcome them as a part of yourself that has heretofore gone unacknowledged and greet them with love you will find a strange thing happening. Like the early morning mist that dissipates as the sun creeps over the horizon, these dark and loathsome thoughts will melt away in the all-forgiving light of you love. You will see them as they truly are, and they will lose what power they had over your heart and soul and mind.

How much pain can a heart deal with and not implode?

It doesn’t matter what was said, the reasons behind the pain – what matters is the pain itself.

HOW MUCH CAN A HEART TAKE?

Well, as I see it, the person dealing with the pain has two choices.

One can either continue to let the pain build up inside, where it will eventually puddle into stagnated pools of moroseness and self-loathing and breed reptiles of the mind or one can choose to employ the “F” word.

No, it’s not “F*@k you”, (though there ARE days when one would like to employ that word with strategic preciseness) no, the “F” word I’m speaking of is FORGIVENESS.

Yes, you heard me right, forgiveness.

Think about it, think of the worst pain you’ve experienced, then consider, just consider the idea of forgiving the person for the pain they’ve caused you.

Interesting concept isn’t it? Notice how your mind shies away from the idea? Now why is that? Why are we so hesitant to employ forgiveness? To use its power to release us from the power of our pain?

I’ll tell you why. Speaking personally I’ve found that when I can forgive someone for the pain they’ve inflicted (whether the pain inflicted was intentional or unintentional) I can release the pain – give it back to the universe so to speak, and be free of it once and for all, and make room for whatever it is that the Universe has planned for me. But there is always a part of me that resists letting go of that pain; that clings to it like a small child clings to their teddy bear of favorite blanket. It is this same part of me that wails like the same small child when their favorite object has been taken away from them when the pain is gone. In fact, the longer I think about forgiving the person, the less likely I am to do it.

So why the hesitation? Why do we cling to the pain instead of forgiving the person and letting it go?

Perhaps the pain makes us feel important. Perhaps we feel that it is better to feel the pain than to feel nothing at all…or perhaps it is because in clinging to the pain we hope to hold onto the person or situation that inflicted it.

I could cling to it. It’s a tempting thought actually, but instead I choose to employ the “F” word, to forgive, to let my pain go.

Try it, just think of a person who’s hurt you, think of the pain they’ve inflicted, FEEL THE PAIN, all of it, every last part of it, let it fill you up until you feel like you can’t stand it for another minute, then say it out loud….

“______I forgive you. All of this pain that you’ve caused me. Every hurtful thing you’ve said, I choose to no longer hold on to the resentment and the anger it has caused.”

Now (and here is the important part) let the pain go. That’s right – unclench your heart and let go of that anger, that fear, that pain that has been weighing you down and eating at your sense of well-being. Feel it slip away. No don’t clutch at it. It’s no longer yours. You’ve given it away. And don’t worry about where it is going either, the universe will take care of that for you.

Now, take a deep breath and open your eyes.
Isn’t it an amazing feeling? Feel the emptiness inside you; like a house that has been emptied out of all its old oppressive furniture and outdated knickknacks. What an incredible feeling it is, this lightness of being that comes from no longer holding the weight of your anger and fear and resentment and pain. Stretch out your metaphorical arms and twirl in your new space. Laugh at the freedom you’ve been granted. Now, there’s just one more thing to do…

What, you thought you were done? Not quite. Bear with me. This is by far the easiest step. You see, you can’t just leave the space that held all your pain empty. Well, not without cleaning it out first. Yes, you’ve gotten rid of the pain and hurt and resentment, but now you need to disinfect the room (so to speak) and there is only one way to do that, and that is to open yourself up to love.

So sit or stand quietly, eyes closed, breathing deeply, and feel that empty space in your head; in your heart, the space that so recently was full of hurt and pain. Now imagine that there is a waterfall of love flowing down through the top of your head and filling you up; all of you; every last inch of you; falling and flowing until you are full to the brim and spilling over.

No, don’t try to stop it when it reaches the top, let it overflow. This is what happens when you clean something out; you let the cleansing agent do the work. And don’t try to hold onto it. You’re going to want to hold onto it. But let it do its work. And don’t worry about where this love is coming from. In fact, don’t even try to put a label on it. Don’t try to call it divine love, or universal love, or cosmic love. It is love. It just IS. Let it be.

When it has finished its work you’ll know.

You’ll know, and you’ll smile, and at last you’ll be at peace.